Ho'oponopono: I'm Sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You. I Love You.

"God is nearer to us than our own soul."— Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love

"Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing make you afraid. All things are passing."— St. Teresa of Ávila

"You're not going to get it unless you sit and meditate. That's where the reward comes from."— Kathy

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I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how extraordinary this whole experience of being human really is. We are born into a world we know almost nothing about, at a particular moment in history, under circumstances we have no conscious memory of choosing. Somehow, we grow accustomed to it all, until even the most remarkable things about our existence seem perfectly ordinary.

Meanwhile, we're living on a little planet hurtling through space in a universe so vast that we can barely comprehend it. Science has made extraordinary discoveries, yet there is still so much we don't understand about the nature of existence. And here we are, going about our lives as though this is all perfectly normal.

Even with the free will we've been given, so much of what happens in life is beyond our control. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and we certainly can't determine how another person will respond to us. Yet we can become terribly upset when something doesn't happen the way we expected, which I find rather amusing when I consider how little we actually control.

Lately, the news has given us plenty of reminders of that. There always seems to be another natural disaster or political upheaval, and people everywhere are struggling with the cost of living. I recently found myself practically celebrating because filling my gas tank cost $74 instead of the nearly $90 I'd paid a few days earlier. Seventy-four dollars for a relatively small tank of gas, and I was thrilled!

I find myself watching it all with a different feeling these days. More often, my response is something like, “Interesting.” I see what is happening and how people are responding, but I feel more like a witness than someone caught up in it all.

 Kathy taught us that everything is a microcosm of the macrocosm, and I find myself thinking about that more as the years pass. We look at the fear and anger in the world and wonder why people behave the way they do, but I have to wonder how often I've allowed those same things to influence my own behavior. Here we all are, sharing this extraordinary human experience, and we manage to create so much separation between ourselves.

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about relationships and forgiveness when she mentioned Ho'oponopono, the Hawaiian tradition of reconciliation and restoring harmony. I immediately remembered the four phrases associated with its modern practice: “I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Years ago, I repeated them quite often. For a period of my life, they were actually part of my own spiritual practice, although I hadn't thought about them in quite some time.

Hearing them again reminded me of where I was in my life when I first began using them. My spiritual practice has changed over the years, and I no longer repeat those phrases as I once did. I found myself thinking about what it means to live them, and how much of that I've been learning through meditation.

 I thought about the person I was twenty-five or thirty years ago. I've always been someone who works hard and takes on too much, often convinced that if something needs doing, I should probably be the one to do it. That part hasn't changed all that much, although I'm slowly learning that God probably doesn't need me personally supervising every detail of creation.

I was also much more easily hurt than I am today. I could become defensive when I felt misunderstood, and I spent an enormous amount of time worrying about what other people thought of me. At the time, I didn't recognize how much of my behavior was influenced by fear.

I had been hurt very badly, and underneath those defenses was someone who desperately wanted to be loved. I wanted to trust people, but I was afraid of being hurt again, and sometimes I protected myself by keeping others at a distance. Looking back, I can see how those reactions sometimes prevented me from experiencing the very connection I was longing for.

I have much more compassion for that younger version of myself today. I didn't understand why I reacted as I did, and I certainly didn't recognize how much pain I was carrying into my relationships. It took years for me to begin seeing those patterns clearly.

 I also had to learn that no human being could ever give me everything I was looking for. Even the people who love us most will disappoint us sometimes, usually without meaning to, because they have their own limitations. We can spend our lives hoping someone will finally make us feel completely loved and secure, but there is a longing within us that no human relationship can entirely satisfy.

 That longing is the longing of the soul for God. I believe it comes from the remembrance of a connection that exists beyond this physical life and the separation we experience here. I had spent so much time looking outward for something that could only be found by turning within.

 What I find so interesting now is that the more I turned my attention within through meditation, the closer I began to feel to other people. I didn't set out to change my relationships with anyone. I wanted God, and somewhere along the way, the barriers my mind had created gradually began to fall away, making it easier to accept people as they are and simply love them.

Just this week, I got really upset with someone whose opinion matters greatly to me. I'd been trying hard to do what they had asked of me, and it didn't seem as though they were noticing. I had been driving for a long time and was tired and hungry. We ended up having a whole conversation about how hard I was trying.

 Somewhere in the middle of that conversation, I recognized that old need for approval and said so. “You know what? This is just my ego. I still have work to do.”

 I've spent much of my life chasing that carrot, looking for the approval of people I respect. It's a pattern I've been course-correcting for years, and I know how firmly it is rooted in the ego and how much turbulence it can create within me. What interested me was finding traces of it still there, especially when I was tired and hungry.

Thinking about that conversation brings me back to the words of Ho'oponopono: “I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Those words apply to the way I treat myself, too. I can be honest about wanting approval and forgive myself for getting caught up in it. I don't have to stay caught in the thought that I'm “not there yet.” I'm grateful that I noticed what was happening while we were still talking. Learning to love also means having some patience with myself as I keep practicing.

That's why I love Georgia O’Keeffe's words: “I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free.” The freedom I want is to reach a place where anyone's approval or disapproval, praise or lack of praise, simply isn't a thought. Meditation has helped me recognize when I'm looking for approval and, increasingly, to let that need go.

Kathy spoke about this in Satsang when She explained that seva, or service, means giving without expectation. She also made it clear that outward service cannot replace meditation, regardless of how worthwhile that service may be. We can devote ourselves to doing things we believe are for God, but eventually we have to sit down and turn our attention within.

I know how easy it is to become absorbed in doing things, particularly when there is always something that seems to need my attention. But no amount of activity can replace the practice Kathy gave me. Meditation is the most important thing I have to accomplish every single day, and I arrange my life around that commitment.

I can love my Master with everything in me, but I still have to sit in the chair. I have to repeat the Names, listen for the Sound, and turn my attention within. It is through that daily practice, and the grace of my Master, that I have experienced the changes I see in myself today.

After decades of meditation, I increasingly feel like an observer of my own life. I watch situations unfold and notice my thoughts as they arise, sometimes with surprise at how differently I respond to things that would once have upset me terribly. There are circumstances that would have occupied my mind for hours years ago that barely disturb me today.

What amazes me is that I'm not necessarily trying to remain calm. More and more often, I simply find that I am, without having to talk myself into being peaceful. I certainly haven't accomplished that through sheer willpower, despite having tried that approach often enough over the years.

 I still have choices to make in the moments life gives me. I cannot control what someone else thinks or how tomorrow will unfold, but I can become more aware of how I respond. Sometimes that means speaking up, and sometimes it means allowing something to pass without giving it any more of my attention.

 Sometimes it means admitting I was wrong. There was a time when saying “I'm sorry” could be difficult, particularly if I believed someone else had also behaved badly. I could spend an extraordinary amount of energy explaining why my reaction was justified, even when I knew I might have handled something differently. Today, I find it easier to acknowledge my own part without needing to settle every question about who was right.

Asking forgiveness requires humility, and I haven't always had an abundance of that either. I can recognize when I've misunderstood someone or allowed my own fears to influence my behavior, and I am more willing to acknowledge it. I am also learning to forgive myself for things I didn't understand years ago, because continuing to condemn myself for them doesn't change anything.

When I look back now, there is so much to be grateful for. I am grateful for the people who love me and for the experiences that have helped me grow, including some that were terribly painful at the time. I learned things through those circumstances that I couldn't have understood before I lived them.

 Kathy taught us to love everyone, and I wanted very much to do that, although I didn't always understand what it required of me. It's easy to love people when everything is going beautifully, but considerably more difficult when we feel hurt or misunderstood. I am learning that I can love someone without needing them to meet my expectations or understand everything about me.

 In a Satsang on seva, Kathy spoke about recognizing the Love in every leaf and blade of grass, and in every person, even someone who had complained about us. She said we would understand how much love was needed. I think about that when I'm trying to understand someone whose behavior makes very little sense to me.

I think that's why the words of Ho'oponopono mean so much: “I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” It's easy to say them and agree with the sentiments they express, but actually living them is something else entirely. Through years of daily meditation, I've found that the qualities I once tried so consciously to cultivate have gradually become more natural.

 Maharaj Charan Singh described something of this change in Spiritual Perspectives: “Meditation trains you to accept what is in your destiny, if not cheerfully then at least with a smile.” I've read teachings like these for years, but there is something different about recognizing their truth through my own experience. Often I don't notice a change until something reminds me of how I once would have reacted.

Those moments bring me back to what Kathy taught me to do each morning. Great Master, Maharaj Sawan Singh, wrote in Spiritual Gems about bringing our attention to the eye center: “Here is where Divinity comes down to meet the struggling man.” I think of how many years I spent looking for God, and how much it means to have been shown where to look.

Of course, becoming calmer and more forgiving is not the ultimate purpose of Sant Mat meditation. We meditate to turn our attention within, follow the Sound and Light, and ultimately return Home to God. But the changes I've experienced in my everyday life are wonderful reminders of what the practice is doing, even when I can't see what is happening during meditation itself.

 I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that I want to spend whatever time I have becoming more loving and more aware of God's presence within me. I want to continue learning to let the little things go and to laugh at myself a little more often along the way.

 Tomorrow morning, I'll get up at my usual early hour and make my coffee before settling into meditation. I still look forward to that time. There is nothing else I would rather be doing with those hours, and I am grateful that Kathy taught me how to spend them. Whatever the day eventually brings, those early hours belong to God. They are the most important part of my day, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

After all these years, I know that meditation works because I can see what it has done in my own life. I still have a long way to go, but I am grateful for how far I've come and for the changes I continue to experience. And perhaps those four simple phrases are becoming easier to live because I'm gradually learning to look for what I truly want in the only place I can find it.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.